I don't know what it is, but as of lately I have felt like I have been needing to blog. Usually I would have a vlog up by now, but I feel like ever since I started graduate school that I have been needing to blog again.

If you can't already tell by the title, graduate school has been sadly stressing me out. Ever since my first day of school I have been feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and pressured. I have always been told that graduate school is difficult. I just didn't imagine how much it would stress me out. I am aware that this is only my first week of school, but when each of my professors went over the syllabus in class it just stressed me out. It just made me feel that these next few months are going to be challenging. I know that I will eventually adjust to this change, but as of now I feel like my body is in constant panic mode.

I am coming to a new school, coming to a place where I have no colleagues or friends in the program, going full time and taking 15 semester units, don't have any close friends or family to go to who have reached the graduate school level, etc. Things are just going so fast for me right now and I feel like I'm unable to catch up.

The sad thing is today I received a voicemail by an employer on campus wanting to set up an appointment with me for a job interview. Sadly, I had to refuse this offer because I felt by accepting this job opportunity that it will cause harm on my academics. I was totally gun-ho about the job position when I applied for it a week ago, but after experiencing my first week of school I felt like I couldn't accept this offer.

Ugh! I just feel like my mind is spinning. I have been so stressed out because of this change that I have called my girlfriend so many times. I miss her and I just wished she was here with me because I feel like school is overwhelming me.

Gahhhh! Before I go any further and go on a tangent I am just going to end this post here.

Thanks for letting me vent Xanga.

If you didn't know today was my first day of school. My first ever graduate school level course. Also if you didn't know I was super scared shitless. Usually I am not the nervous type, but when I am for a certain situations I eventually lose my nervousness. Sadly, that didn't happen for me today. Instead of waking up and losing all the butterflies, I still had them. It was so bad that once I got onto campus my heart was pounding, my head was feeling light, and I was having difficulty breathing. I just felt scared and I didn't want to be there. I haven't had this feeling since probably my first day of Junior High.

The sad thing is I was still feeling like this during class. For instance, when I had to introduce myself in front of the class my hands were shaking when I was doing hand gestures and my voice was quivering. Crap, when I spoke I even said I was really nervous by accident to the class.

Today was just scary day for me. New school, new environment, I have no friends yet in the program, I have no clue what to expect, so overwhelmed, etcetera, etcetera. It was just all bad where I even called my girlfriend, Michelle, during my class break. She told me to breath and not to worry, but for some reason my mind wouldn't listen to her. I have hyped up this simple class so much that my mind didn't want to cooperate with me anymore. FYI she found this panicking anxiety attack of mine cute.

But as I said earlier, these jitters didn't leave until the end of class. You might wonder how I can tell? Well during the second half of class we all received candy for this activity. When I stood up after class and looked at my candy... I noticed it had melted. I guess I laid it against my body and it melted due to that... or maybe the room was hot...but either way it melted.

It wasn't until the end of class that I started to feel better. Especially not until I started walking to my car. The reason why I started to feel better was because I saw a familiar face. Yes, I saw a familiar face at my new school and that similar face was of one of my professors who interviewed me months ago for the program.

We immediately caught eyes so I immediately went up to him. As I walked up to him the first words he said to me were, "How are you doing, Sonlay?" Those four words were great to hear. They were so simple that when he said those four simple words that I felt like I lost all the excess weight on my shoulders. It was just nice to hear and it was nice to be recognized by him especially since I wasn't sure if he remembered me so after he asked I immediately rambled about how I felt. He was so willing to listen and it made me feel a lot better about entering the program.

Oddly it were those four simple words that helped me feel better. The four simple words that allowed me to feel normal again. The four simple words that helped me stop being a little bitch.

I am just glad he asked and cared, but I am more glad that he is going to be my professor for two of my four courses this semester.